running away..

running away has become a habit of mine whenever im in pain and failure is at hand. i thought that in doing so, i can forget all about those pains and the people/things that caused it. for me, that's the only way to start a new beginning, a new chapter of my life. i didn't realize that running away is not a good move. it only makes the matter more complicated than it once had been. now i know that it's not the answer or let me say i cant find the answer to all of my questions when i tend to forget the issue without facing it. for how can i start a new beginning when i dont know how the previous chapter ends? how can i make solutions and new formulas when i refused to know the problem in the first place? healing from the pains in the past is a process. it's not a one-night magic. it takes time and even years to get healed completely. and yes, i realized that i can't be totally healed if i run away, if i tend to forget the past without resolving the issues. trying to cover a deep wound with plaster and continue doing the same thing (that cuts me deeply) is not a healthy idea either for it's just a matter of minutes and the blood will soak the plaster again. i better have to let the wound be healed first then start anew. try to answer the questions and tackle the problems of the previous chapter before i can start with the next one. it's a pre-requisite. it's a process. just like in a relationship. i realized that you can't give ur all to the person ur currently being with if u still have hanging issues in the past, if the pain it brought is not yet completely healed, if u tend to disregard those questions that keep bogging in ur mind, if u try to make urself believe that ur okay, when in fact ur not, if u keep telling yourself that love has gone and u can make it without him/her, if u refuse to acknowledge the truth that despite all the wrongs that person did into ur life, u still love and need him/her. all in all, u can never love again if u are still shattered deep within. fears and doubts are still there no matter how u tried to hide it. u can never give love if hate still resides in the heart. u can never give ur whole being if you are still broken. what makes it worst is that, it's not only you who got hurt this time. there is now the other person (the new one) who doesn't know about ur past and who believes the things you want him/her to believe. you don't know that in making him/her part of your life when ur still in the mess is like pulling him/her along with you to the pit of hurts and pains. and it would be unfair to them bcoz in the first place, they have nothing to do with ur past. they only existed in the present, they did nothing but loving you... and i know that the person who got hurt the most is the one at present. the one who have no faults but just a victim of your unresolved past. he/she ended up crying and bitter. and now this person is the one who will seek for prey again.. and the cycle begins.

i know it because i have been a prey who turned out to be the predator then back being a prey... i tend to run, i tend to hide, i tend to cover it with plaster. the ending? still a failure.. but got no regrets, for through all those pains, those running away, i've encountered many good things along the way. good things to learn and to cherish. now, i dont have to run away. i must face it with a brave heart and a greater faith that God is with me in this battle.. He was, is and will be with me all through out. wla lang nako na notice.. it's Him that i need. and whenever i want to run away, i know now where to go. in a place where everything will be answered. in a place where i am sure i am safe 100% and be loved 100%.. in a place where He is calling me and always ready to give that very comforting hugs that i need...... in God's open arms.......