A Sad Story

My childhood has obviously been very influential on my now teen years. Although I loved the care-free times of being a youngster, I am mostly glad that those years are over.
Although I had many friends and a pool to swim in during the hot summer days, I wouldn't want to go back to those times. My parents fought all of the time. I remember sticking my head through the railing on the stairs and seeing dishes and other objects fly across the kitchen. usually ran and hid, but one time I went under my parents bed and the argument just moved there. They yelled about wanting a divorce and, each the thought that my brother and I would live with them. They finally were separated when I was in third grade. The divorce was painful and long, it lasted four years. By the end there was no chance for a possible healthy friendship.
This made it hard for my brother and I because my father was never around when I was a child, and now we were forced to go spend every other weekend with a complete stranger. I would always hide and beg my mother to say that I had run away.
When I was with my mother, she spoke horribly about my dad. She wanted my brother and I to be on her side. It was
the same with my dad. They simply couldn’t and still can’t speak civil about each other.
My father never remarried, but my Mother met a man that I don't get along with in anyway. I have always fought with my stepfather, not because I felt like my mom was trying to replace my real father. We just don't understand each other, I Suppose. When I turned sixteen, I decided to move out of my mothers house because things had gotten so bad with her husband and I thought about killing myself everyday, I had to get out of there. This decision threw me into two years of court dates, testifying against one or the other parent. I then began to hate my parents for what they were making me do. They constantly put me in the middle. Saying if you live with me I'll give you this or, "your father is a drunk" and "'your mother is crazy."
I used to have memories of the great presents that I would receive on Christmas when I was little and being able to see all of the family, not to mention the great food. But over the last two years, I am sad when I think of this festive holiday. When I was a junior in high school I couldn't see my family on Christmas because I wasn't allowed at my mothers. Instead I "celebrated" with a friend’s family. Last year, my mother invited me to her house for Christmas Eve. I had been in Florida so I called her as
soon as I got home. She told me she didn't want me to dome that day or ever, I couldn't be her daughter as long as I lived with my father, I Spent another holiday with my friends and their families. So I am not sure what exactly to expect this year. Given this demand though, I did decide to give my mother’s house another chance, I figured I only had a few months left and that hopefully things there would be different.
When I moved back in things were all right at first. Things soon started to go right back to the way they were years before. My stepfather would get angry and get rough with me. Sometimes he thought he was just being funny that it was a big joke, but I was in pain. He is a large man and I am just a young girl. I decided to stand up for myself and said that the abuse had to stop otherwise I would just leave again and never come back. After awhile of arguing this, my stepfather just didn't talk to me anymore. We haven't spoken in almost a year, we when lived the same house.
In a way these problems have made me a much stronger person. I want to achieve things on my own; I don't feel as though I can count on my parents for anything. I am a very independent person, I am paying for school myself because they both refuse to pay if the other is not and don't want
to come to any compromise. I don't believe in lying and refuse to do it, lies simply hurt and the truth always comes out, therefore one should always -be honest to begin with.
There are downfalls to this though, I now feel that I cannot trust anyone and so I don't. I do not open up to my friends or anyone else. The only person that I can talk to is my brother because he was there and knows what it was like. Even he does not know me well, no one does, because I have kept secret, 1
from him too. He knows nothing of the things I do when he isn't around and, my hard-core party lifestyle and the problems I have had with drug addiction, including various narcotics. it makes me very upset that I can't share everything with him, because he is my best friend. Everyone in my life sees me in a different way because I only give them limited information about myself.
I am not a very emotional person, actually I hardly ever let on to what I am feeling anymore. It was very hard for me to share this story with you, but anything else would have been a false portrayal. When I was younger I used to cry all of the time, but when I was about twelve I decided that crying had no point, I just wouldn't do it anymore. I am suffering from this now because I have trouble expressing myself. In extreme situations I feel cold and dead inside because I don't cry or have any feelings. As well, I have had other hardships dealing with my parents. I have decided
I am not going to have kids because, I am unsure that I would be able to raise them properly. This makes me very sad, but 1 would never want my Children to go through what I had to.